Get a grip y’all February

Julianne Horensky

She/Her

Columnist

2/28/23

What was in the China balloon?

A whole lot of candy, glitter, and confetti. It was just a birthday balloon that got out in the wild when it was young and grew to its size. A little-known fact is that they can grow up to 60 meters tall, and hundreds of meters long when they reach maturity. 

How to stop falling up and down stairs? 

I personally struggle with this greatly, even as a small child I would trip up the stairs. In fact, behind our Editor-in-Chief Jacob, my greatest enemy is actually gravity. One strategy I developed to avoid falling up or down stairs is to never be in a situation where I am faced with them. In fact, I haven’t seen a staircase since ‘06. 

I have a friend who isn’t very nice to me, but I’ve known them for a long time so I’m not sure if I could stop being friends with them. What should I do?

Murder is always a valid choice.
Jacob requests that I provide answers that feel significantly more legal, so one option is to talk to them about how their actions make you feel. Alternatively, you could always work on making better friends.

How do I get good grades?

Work hard, pay attention in class, a few hundred dollars in bribes, and do lots of studying.

What happens if I don’t treat chlamydia and continue to sleep around?

A new strain of the Plym Plague will develop and start to spread. 

What is being part of The Clock like?

Our weekly meetings often occur in our private hot tub where we observe our monkeys typing away on typewriters. Then we sort through hundreds of sheets of word vomit until we find a relevant article. We’ve gotten at least 3 copies of Hamlet using this process.